This bit of writing from my friend Kekoa captured my attention because I also independently arrived at the conclusion that curiosity is the best attribute I can develop to improve my relationships. As someone with an ENTP-type personality most days (sometimes called the debater personality), I never let a conversation with a friend about whatever's on their mind go by without attempting to turn it into a debate. I like poking holes in things, even (maybe even especially) when I don't agree with the point I'm arguing.

It's a really irritating trait, this tendency to debate. For me, it's a love language, but to most people, it's off-putting. And explaining this definitely doesn't help!

I can't recall when I first became aware of this, but ever since then, I've had a mild obsession with developing my listening skill. Reading The Lost Art of Listening was my jumping off point. Then I started to recognize that the people I appreciate most in my life are the ones I can ramble to as I think aloud. This is an important part of how I develop my own personal beliefs and world view. And a few years ago I got certified as a coach and became further convinced that the "answers" lie inside of us. We just need a good listener to help us draw them out.

The funny thing is, for all my learning about the importance of listening, I'm still pretty darn bad at it. Often, if I can get myself to do it at all, I feel like Dwight Schrute nodding and smiling, but totally missing the point.

But when I do it for real? Magic.

I'd go so far as to say that the person listening in a conversation holds more power than the person talking.

So what's the difference between nodding and smiling (going through the motions of active listening) and actually being a good listener?

Curiosity.

You have to care. And sometimes you don't. And sometimes you do, but you lack the energy to drum up enough curiosity to listen sincerely.

To really listen, I think you have to forget yourself. Fight the urge to debate. Replace every point you fantasize about making with a question: "I wonder why he thinks that?" Then ask.

Besides, they say that in a debate you'll never get anywhere until you can repeat someone's argument back to them well enough that they agree with how you've understood it. If I wanted to really be a good debater, I think curiosity is still the best first step.

But I don't want to be a debater. I mean, I naturally do, but my higher self would rather be a friend, son, and brother whom people love and trust. And trust comes from listening without judgement, which comes from a place of curiosity, which comes from a place of love.