I had a startling realization this evening. I, Tyler Smith, who was born and raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who has prayed nearly every morning and night for as long as I can remember, who has diligently attended church services nearly every Sunday since I was a child, who reads from and studies the Holy Scriptures nearly every morning, who has accepted every church assignment ever received, who preached the gospel in Russia for two years, who purports to sustain a living, God-instated prophet, who donates financially to his church, and who spends no small amount of time sharing positive, uplifting messages about my religion on the Internet...have no faith.
At least, not the kind that matters.
What I'm feeling here is a little difficult to express, so bear with me. Some of you would argue that someone who does all of those things must have at least some level of faith, and you'd probably right. So why doesn't it feel like I do?
It might be because I am having a bit of a disagreement with God. Maybe disagreement isn't the right word. Maybe I know He's right, and I'm just being stubborn. Yes, that's it, and because I know He's right, and I'm wrong, and I don't want to admit it, I've been saying the most interesting of prayers lately.
Have you ever said hello to someone, expecting to continue on your way, only to have them launch into some huge, uninvited monologue? You know how you feel a little trapped, but you're a nice person, so you slip into "nod and smile" mode? To a bystander, it looks like you're having a great conversation, but you haven't heard a word of it. You're stuck there, your eyes glazed over, a polite grin pasted on your lips.
It's the worst. And that's exactly what my relationship with Heavenly Father has become lately.
[It is] counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such.
Moroni 7:9